


Underpinning

by phnelt



Series: Leverage Works [4]
Category: Leverage
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Coping, Established Relationship, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Multi, Parker POV, Polyamory, Post-Canon, families, mentions of past Damien Moreau/Eliot Spencer, relationships talks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-18
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2020-01-15 19:17:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18505369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phnelt/pseuds/phnelt
Summary: When Parker and Eliot go with Hardison to help his sister move out of her ex-boyfriend's they learn something that challenges the life they've built together.It’s morning sometime, not so late that the hunger’s become unbearable, but not so early Parker can drift off back to sleep, and she’s drowsily leaning against Alec’s shoulder in bed while Eliot’s draped over Alec’s side so he can get his hair pet. Before she’d gotten to see Alec and Eliot together she would have assumed that Eliot would be an up at 6am, get that worm type, but he turned out to be an absolute cuddle fiend. She knows she shouldn’t have a preference, but times like this are probably why Alec in the middle is her favourite. Between Alec’s soft shoulder and the blissed out lump that is Eliot, she’s in no hurry to leave the blanket cocoon. Especially when she can actually enjoy it, instead of wasting cuddles on her asleep self who doesn’t even remember it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story was an epic road to get done. Such amazing thanks to laulan for a patient and tireless beta even through trials and tribulations.
> 
> This story has a lot of cuddles but also some hard conversations and will come in somewhere around ~20000 words.
> 
> This story deals with the aftermath of an abusive relationship, both for an OC character and a main character. This story is non-graphic in terms of assault but does have one consensual sex scene in it. Full description in the notes at the end.

It’s morning sometime, not so late that the hunger’s become unbearable, but not so early Parker can drift off back to sleep, and she’s drowsily leaning against Alec’s shoulder in bed while Eliot’s draped over Alec’s side so he can get his hair pet. Before she’d gotten to see Alec and Eliot together she would have assumed that Eliot would be an up at 6am, get that worm type, but he turned out to be an absolute cuddle fiend. She knows she shouldn’t have a preference, but times like this are probably why Alec in the middle is her favourite. Between Alec’s soft shoulder and the blissed out lump that is Eliot, she’s in no hurry to leave the blanket cocoon. Especially when she can actually enjoy it, instead of wasting cuddles on her asleep self who doesn’t even remember it.

Alec’s poking away at his phone on one of his nerd debates when his phone buzzes with a text.

_ Hey,  _ the text from Amber reads,  _ do you have time to skype later  _

Amber is one of Alec’s sisters and so one of the rare people outside of the team that he likes to talk to, so Parker’s not surprised when he taps back immediately,  _ Sure, when? _

But Parker can feel his shoulders tense up, and frowns. 

Amber is his favourite sister, so talking to her should make him happy, not all rock-like and un-cuddleable. She makes a questioning noise.

“Sorry for the buzz, babe, it’s just Amber.”  

She rolls her eyes a little. She knows that. Eliot says reading texts isn’t polite, but if they all just admitted they did it, they wouldn’t have to waste time repeating known information.

“No, why are you all - “ and she pokes Alec’s hunched up shoulders to indicate. She lifts up and turns a little towards him so she can see his face. Blank incomprehension. “ - all stiff. And not good for mornings.” Eliot makes a little grumble of agreement. She nods, satisfied that she described it right. Eliot gets it. 

He rolls onto his back. “I think something’s wrong. We never skype out of the blue, we’ve got a regular monthly.” He scrolls back up their text history to show her. “See?” 

Parker looks. 

It’s all sarcastic comments and some ‘hypothetical’ questions that are all related to their jobs.  _ what type of stratigraphy profile would we have to show someone to convince them our sun was going supernova?  _

And her reply:  _ your DND campaign is getting weirder. Assuming they know a lot abt stars, something like this:  _ and then there’s a bunch of numbers stuff she doesn’t get. But she does see there’s no skype requests at all. 

She still doesn’t really get why Alec is still tense, but ok -- the change in routine is enough, she guesses. 

“It’s ok, we can help,” she says as she gets out of bed. Eliot rolls out with her. Morning snuggles are clearly over; there’s no point staying here without them. So. Time to see about breakfast. Alec gives her one of his full-on smiles and she kind of melts a little bit. She’s glad she asked what was up instead of just cancelling snuggles.

She hears another buzz and leaves Alec to it.

When she gets into the main area, she goes to check the coffee machine. Eliot tried to get them to use his fancy presses, but on a non-snuggle morning she and Alec aren’t awake enough to notice taste.

Eliot comes up and gives her a kiss behind her ear. “You want breakfast?” 

He’s close enough that she can feel the rumble of his words in her chest. She shivers a little and his hand comes up to rub her arm. She thinks about how best negotiate the breakfast she wants.

“Eggs?” She pauses for hopefully suitable amount of time. “And chocolate blast pancakes?” Chocolate blast pancakes are chocolate pancakes with chocolate chips inside and chocolate syrup outside topped with m&m’s for crunchiness. Alec gave them that name to save time. Parker always wants the pancakes, but sometimes Eliot thinks they should eat vitamins or something so she’s learned to ask stealthy.

“If I make the chocolate blast pancakes, will you at least eat an egg?” She nods a lot. Eliot sighs. Awesome! She settles in at a stool to watch him work.

Eliot’s barely mixed up the batter when Alec comes out of the bedroom. She can tell something is wrong and so can Eliot. 

“Talked to Amber.” Alec is looking at the floor. “We need to go to Pasadena.”

Eliot clears his throat. “Right now?” 

“Yeah,” Alec says. And then looks up, reconsiders when sees that Eliot is ready to throw down his spatula and run. “Well, not immediately, but soon.”

“What happened,” Parker asks.

“Amber broke up with her boyfriend, she needs help moving out.” Alec looks up and right at her. “But I don’t know man, she seemed off. I’m worried.” 

Parker runs down everything she knows about Amber. Amber is Alec’s oldest and favourite foster sister, though she came to live with Nana after Alec did. She doesn’t know about all of the crime. Alec’s worried they’ll take away her wholesomeness certification, or whatever it is NASA needs to let you do space stuff. She makes Alec laugh. 

That’s all. Not a lot of clues there for helping her figure out what they’re going to be walking into. She doesn’t do full threat assessments like Eliot does, but Alec would tell them if they’re walking into danger. Which means this is a feelings danger. Either way, Alec needs them on this so she stays focused on the plan.

“Of course, man, we can be there - “ Eliot looks at Parker, since she already got the laptop out looking at flights. She holds up four fingers. “ - 4pm. Let her know we’re coming, we’ll head out to the airport in an hour.”

\---

It’s only when they’re parking up outside of the address Amber gave them that Parker realizes she doesn’t know if Amber knows about them. The whole Alec-Parker-Eliot situation. She knows Eliot sometimes makes them pretend, but this is  _ family,  _ so that has to be different right? She hates pretending but she knows they have to do it sometimes. 

But there’s no time to ask.

Amber’s already halfway down the walk though and Alec’s going to meet her. From her vantage point, it’s more of a collapse than a hug. Alec’s holding her, arms solid around her, basically propping her up. 

From a distance they don’t really look anything alike, especially not for someone who notices the details the way Parker does. But there’s something in the way they hold themselves that’s exactly the same. They’ve both got the same smiling mouth and determined way they hold their chin. Amber’s eyes are a little lighter than Alec’s and her hair is longer, but she can see where he got his dress sense. She’s wearing an open button up over a green t-shirt that reads ‘Science! It works, bitches’ and some very worn in jeans. 

Eliot’s grabbing the bags, so Parker goes to stand with him on the grass. It’s a full minute or two before Amber lets go, wiping her eyes, and says, “You must be Eliot and Parker, come on in.” Alec’s still got his arm around her, so Parker just follows, Eliot shadowing them.

The place Amber is staying looks like a hotel room except it’s got a kitchen. Even the carpet has that weird un-lived in feel.

Amber goes off to make coffee and Parker and Eliot sandwich Alec on the nondescript couch. She wonders if they should have left a space for Amber, she doesn’t want to move and Eliot is reflecting the same need she has to take care of Alec right now. They sit there in silence and Amber is barely handing out the cookies when Alec is asking,

“Amber, what  _ happened?  _ You didn’t even tell me you were having problems.” 

Amber tries to pass it off nonchalantly, but Parker’s been through enough of these conversations to tell when someone is faking. “Oh, you know, these things happen.” 

Alec seems to realize that maybe that wasn’t the best approach and tries again. “Why are you moving out? It was your place first.” 

She says nothing, but she’s hovering around the furniture as she’s setting up the coffee, like she doesn’t want to settle on any of it. Parker doesn’t blame her, she wouldn’t want to be in this slightly stale smelling house either. Which makes her wonder why Amber’s here in the first place if she’s got somewhere else to go. 

Finally Amber sits down across from them, but she’s tense in the chair like she could spring up at any time.

“Ok, well we’re here for you,” Alec continues like she’d answered him. “You gonna tell me why you couldn’t get your friends to help you move?” Parker winces a little. Sophie wouldn’t have asked like this, question after question when Amber clearly doesn’t want to answer. 

“They don’t understand. They think he’s  _ wonderful.  _ And they don’t want to pick  _ sides.  _ And no one should feel  _ excluded. _ ” She puts down her coffee quickly. Parker can see that her grip is too tight, like her hands are shaking but she doesn’t want to spill her tea. 

“Amber, what did he do?” Alec’s going for his normal voice, but it’s gone a little lower, dangerous. Amber’s arms, now empty of hot beverages are wrapped around herself, like a hug but it’s too tight. Parker’s not sure if this is regular broken heart stuff or if there’s something more happening. Eliot’s responding to his tone and is tensing up, ready for action. This is starting to feel more like a client interview than a sit down with someone they like. 

“I’m so  _ stupid.  _ He said it was going to get better, and then it didn’t. I thought we’d be able to look back and be ok, you know?” Her eyes well up with tears and she angrily wipes them away. “We all have tough times and maybe don’t act our best. I wanted to be supportive. And I just let him...He...I should have known better.” Alec seems a little confused, but ready to push on, but it’s Eliot who speaks. Parker has been so caught up in Amber’s story and Alec’s mounting tension and confusion that she’d barely registered how Eliot had gone preternaturally still from the moment she’d put down her coffee.

“When you trust somebody, when you love them, it takes a long time to wear that down that wall so you can look over and see what they’re actually doing. That’s normal. It’s not your fault.” His voice is perfectly even, calm, clear. It doesn’t sound like Eliot at all, Eliot who spreads his drawl like jam when he’s happy. Amber starts to sob, as if Eliot’s words have given her permission. Alec gets up to sit next to her, puts his arm around her. Parker thinks he must know what’s going on, even if Parker is only starting to get a clue. But that’s Alec. He feels what other people are feeling and always knows what will help. If Alec’s giving Amber his arm, then she must need that now.

Parker wants to keep paying attention to Amber, but she needs to see what’s going on with Eliot’s face right now. He’s done looking blank, but now he looks totally earnest and she knows that small voice. That’s the one he uses when Parker is having a nightmare, the one he uses to tell her that he’s with her, that she got away. Something really bad has happened here. She can feel a realisation creeping up around the corners of her mind, but she doesn't want to think about it. If she doesn't think about it, it can't get her. Eliot starts talking again.

“Sometimes it’s small things at first, and then once you’ve accepted those things, it’s silly to get upset about other stuff. ‘Cause why didn’t you get upset before?” 

Amber’s nodding. Eliot just waits.

“He looked through me like I was nothing.” Amber’s voice had been pretty flat, even when she was struggling to finish, but here she sounds a little baffled, almost. "And he told me I was being such a downer all the time, and I know I was. He told me I should make more of an effort so he’d want to stick around. So I did. And he made me - he made me feel like I had to - and I did. I did it. I never stopped him, and now no one believes me.” It looks like that last bit was the hardest to get out. Amber is holding herself, but gently, like she is scared to squeeze too hard. Amber finishes and Parker doesn’t know anything more than ‘this boyfriend is bad,’ but Eliot clearly does. And when she sneaks a look at Alec's devastated expression, it looks like he has a good suspicion too. 

The thing is. Parker has worked on hundreds of jobs with Eliot. She knows how he handles the interview. And he never speaks for the victim - and clearly that’s what Amber is - unless he has personally been there. Nate and Sophie can speak in generalities about what it must feel like, but Eliot only ever speaks when he knows. 

Eliot looks like he’s trying to pick his next words carefully.

“It wasn’t you. You did what you had to do to keep going. And now you’re here and he’s not. He did those things and you survived it. You survived it.” Amber is crying freely now, and reaching out for Alec. Eliot looks over at Parker and gives her the signal they should head out. When they reach the bottom of the stairs, she can hear Amber start talking again, but she can’t hear what she’s saying. But she can hear Alec, who’s just repeating,  _ I believe you, I believe you.  _ Parker keeps moving, matching her motion to what’s happening in her mind.

They get up to their extremely beige room and Eliot slumps a little. Parker reaches out. It’s her turn to pull Eliot in for a hug now. Whatever happened, it’s affecting Eliot a lot. After a bit, she manages to wrestle him down on top of the made bed and lies on top of him, face to face. It’s better when Alec does it, but she does her best to be solid and blanket Eliot so he knows she’s there, keeping him grounded.

They just breathe.

It’s quiet in the room -- well-insulated walls are so far the only thing going for this place. Even the bedspread is weirdly plasticky. 

Maybe they should try to talk, but Parker isn’t sure if that’s the right thing. Alec always fills up their silences, makes sure everyone’s saying what needs to be said. Whatever needs to happen, Parker can wait til Alec is back. 

She’s staring up at Eliot’s chin, slightly propped up on her folded hands, idly wondering if she should get him one of her books to read, when Alec comes back up. It’s only been about 20 minutes but he’s more upset than ever.

She waves him over to the bed, but he won’t come. She frowns. Now’s the time for them to tell her what Amber meant - aside from her ex-boyfriend clearly being a bad guy - but when Alec gets like this he doesn’t slow down enough to explain.

“I can’t believe this. I can’t believe this happened.” He’s pacing around. “How could anyone do that to her?” He stares at them, lost. “Why didn’t she tell me?” 

Eliot sits up on the edge of the bed, so Parker does the same. “Hey, she did tell you. She told you to come down and you did.” Eliot’s voice is more normal now, but it’s still got some of that careful tinge. It’s starting to set Parker’s teeth on edge. Waiting was fine before but now not knowing is too much tension. 

Alec doesn’t look reassured. But before Alec can start to argue with Eliot, Parker takes the chance to try and get some answers.

“What did he do, Alec? I don’t understand what she was saying.” Alec looks at her straight on but her glance is dragged to his mouth, which looks like it’s got weights in the corners dragging it down. When she looks up into his eyes she notices they’re bigger and darker than usual. He seems sad. She takes a guess. “Did he hit her?”

“No, apparently not. But he still abused her. And...and he forced her.” Alec makes a general gesture to the space in front of him but Parker gets it. Her stomach goes cold. She turns to Eliot.

“That’s what happened to you?” Bad stuff’s happened to all of them, but it’s gotta be hard for him to have it brought up. Or at least it would be for Parker; she hates getting reminded. Eliot looks ok right now though, so she’ll wait for him to tell her what he needs.

Alec makes a sound, more of a sharp inhale than anything voluntary. Eliot looks like he wants to get away for a second but then he pulls himself back into that state of blankness and just nods.

“Who?” Alec asks, and he’s got his dangerous voice back on. Parker thinks she knows, but she wants to give Eliot the chance to say it or not. She can see Eliot’s throat working, like he’s trying to bring the sound out.

“Moreau.” 

Alec makes a sound like he’s in pain. “I could’ve - “ 

Eliot makes a chopping gesture with his hand. The abruptness of the movement after so much stillness startles Parker a little.

Eliot cuts Alec off. “Run a multinational con to bring down his organisation and get him sent to prison for life? You did that, remember?”

“Yes, but…” He seems to have nowhere to go from there. “Fuck!” Alec sinks into the chair in the corner. He’s got his head buried in his hands, just running them over his scalp, back and forth. He’s trying to calm himself down. It’s his version of the breathing exercises she does to slow her heart rate so she won’t run out of air in enclosed spaces.

Eliot turns to Parker. 

She’s ready. She feels a little bad that she was trying to hide from this before. Her guys wouldn’t do that to her -- if she was having a bad day they wouldn’t wait to find out what she needed.

“It wasn’t so bad all the time. At first he made me feel really special. And you know after I left the army I didn’t know what to do with myself, I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t have anything else of value to offer and he gave me a place, and a job, and a home. Remember? I told you how I learned about food from Toby? I hadn’t had that yet. For a while, Damien made me feel really good.”

“Stop making excuses for him.” Alec sounds angry again.

“I’m making excuses for me.” Eliot said, staring at Alec.

Alec explodes out of his chair. “That’s fucked up. He was evil, man, evil. You did nothing wrong.” Eliot’s just looking more and more tense. “You of all people should know how twisted he was.” Alec gets a little too close to the edge of the bed where Eliot is and he flinches. 

“Alec, stop! You’re upsetting him.” The words are out before she even thinks them. They make each other safe! Alec should never make Eliot flinchy. Flinches are for bad guys. Alec does a full on double-take and sees Eliot. Alec stops. Takes a step back. She wants him to apologize. Suddenly, she’s angry with him. They’re here for  _ Amber.  _ What is he doing, getting so emotional? How are they supposed to complete the job like this?

“You know what I mean. You don’t need an excuse. He was bad.” He’s brought down his voice so it’s less loud, but it’s still just as angry. It’s not as much as she wants and it’s not like him. He freaks out sometimes, but never when they need him. 

“ _ I _ was bad. I killed for him. The rest is nothing.” Eliot’s voice is pure gravel.

“That’s different.” Alec seems to have no awareness of how absolutely stupid that sounds, but Eliot does. The look on his face is so self-loathing it’s hard to look at straight on. But Parker does because Eliot’s her guy and she’s never going to look away from him. They already knew about his past. Maybe sometimes he hates himself but they love him and she desperately needs Eliot to know that. But she can’t find the words -- she needs to think, she needs time. Parker has never needed Alec to be quiet more in her life than she does in this moment. Then Alec seems to get a look of realisation; she hopes it’s apology time. But like always, you never get what you want unless you steal it. He turns to her, reaches out and touches her shoulder.

“Parker. What about you? Did someone? Is that how you knew about Eliot?” He squeezes her shoulder gently and looks at her almost like he’s pleading.

A list of ‘incidents’ flashes through her mind of every stupid mark who looked or grabbed at her like she was meat, but she’s already shaking her head no. Before their crew, she’d never trusted anyone enough to have them hurt her like Amber got hurt. Like Eliot got hurt. 

Alec collapses back into the chair. “I don’t know how to fix this.” 

Parker’s feeling pretty close to her edge and she doesn’t think she can bear watching Eliot comfort Alec right now. And he will. She knows him too well.

“You need to go for a walk,” Parker says. She knows her tone is abrupt but can’t apologise for it. Alec’s face does something scrunchy when she says that, but she can’t spare the energy to try and categorize it. Alec starts to say something, but she cuts him off. “Or take a drive, I don’t care. Then come back when you’re ready to try this again.” 

She stares at him until he slinks out resentfully before turning back to Eliot. He’s also doing something with his eyes, like maybe they’re slightly wider than normal, but it doesn’t match with the expressions she knows for sure, and she’s exhausted. Airports are the worst and they got a super slow van in case they needed to move stuff and this house is really wrong and unhomelike. 

She’s got feelings inside of her and they’ve nowhere to go.

Eliot reaches out, hands in front, and she places her hands in his. He takes his thumbs and strokes down each one of her fingers from palm to tip. With each sweep she can feel a bit of her frustration and disappointment start to drain out just a little. When he’s stroked all four fingers, he closes his hands over hers so she’s forming fists. She squeezes, and his hands stay light on hers. He’s done this for her so many times. And this time it reminds her why she does put in the work to try and figure out what they’re thinking. Alec and Eliot are worth it.

She huffs a little, and he takes it as the acknowledgement she means it as.

“I really am all right.” He’s looking at her with fondness, and a little wryness. The shadows from earlier are pushed back, but she can still see them in the very corner of his eyes. She usually can if she goes looking. All that’s different now is that she knows a bit more about what put it there.

And the thing is, she knows he’s fine. She saw him this morning, being a soft puddle, making pancakes. He’s a whole person with likes and moods and a distinctive fighting style. He’s a summation of everything that’s happened in his life, but he’s also bigger than any one of the things that he’s done. And Parker knows that because she knows that’s true about her. She’s not a scared kid anymore, but she was one once. She’s not a loner, but she was one once. She’s not just a great thief, she’s also a human who loves Christmas and candy and money and her guys. She loves Eliot and Alec. And she loves them also as whole people who have whole big worlds inside of them full of stories she hasn’t read and secret boxes she doesn’t even try to break into. And that’s how she knows Eliot is all right. Because he was all right when she met him and he’s all right now -- but he’s also happy. 

They’re all more than the worst things that ever happened to them. But she doesn’t have the words for that.

“Make me dinner,” she says instead. 

She wants to remind Eliot of some of his extra bits that make him a person. Eliot uses his food to invite people in to his feelings. Parker can’t do that, but she can show Eliot that she wants to feel what he’s feeling.

“I don’t know the kitchen.” But she can tell that’s a fake grumble, like when he pretends he doesn’t like Star Wars. Everyone likes Star Wars! Even if Alec is wrong when he says CGI Yoda is bad. So she just tilts her chin at him defiantly. “All right, all right,” he says, getting up and heading down the stairs.

\---

When Alec gets back, Eliot’s just got something simmering on the stove. Alec seems a little tentative when he steps into the kitchen, but Parker’s feeling more generous with him now that Eliot is doing better. Only one person can freak out at a time! And she’s still waiting for her turn, once she figures out why Alec made her so upset. She pulls him in and gives him a little kiss, which seems to startle him.

“Eliot’s making food.” She smiles at Alec, gesturing with her chin towards where Eliot is stirring.

“Your sister has no ingredients, man. First thing tomorrow, we gotta go grocery shopping.”

“Yeah she works a lot...what are you making?”

“It’s a stir fry. No meat, so I’ll throw a couple eggs on. Add some soy sauce and it’s a bastardized bibimbap.” Parker and Alec just let that absorb, exchanging the same blank look. Alec clears his throat.

“So, you’re not mad at me anymore?” 

Parker feels a rush of fondness but also frustration. They can all be so dumb sometimes. At least she knows when she’s not understanding people’s feelings. 

“I was never mad,” Eliot says. 

Parker follows up with, “And I just wanted you to calm down. Are you calm?”

“I’m calm...er,” Alec admits. He’s standing a little looser, which is better, so that’s good enough.

“You wanna talk about it, man?” 

“Yeah, I think so,” Eliot says. He looks at the door a little nervously, and right, Amber could come out at any time. Parker goes to cover the door· sees Alec notice. Alec sits down at the kitchen table, turns the chair away to face them. They’ve all got pretty good line of sight: Parker can see Alec and the door, Eliot can see the stove and Alec if he turns a little bit, and Eliot can see them both. It’s acceptable.

“When I was growing up,” Alec starts, “Amber was ten times smarter than everyone else, and she didn’t care who knew it. Before her I didn’t know anyone who liked being smart. Did I tell you she got me into computers? I thought they were dumb, but she convinced me they were cool.” Alec smiles a little and rubs his chin. Parker can tell this is a good memory, and she settles into the warmth of it.

“Nana had enough kids come through that you got to be able to tell when a kid had gone through it, and you could see Amber had  _ gone through it.”  _ He says the last bit in a way that is totally his Nana’s voice. “But she was so determined. And not just determined to make it, but to be good.” 

He looks impressed and Alec doesn’t impress so easily. “I’m grateful every day that she’s my sister.” There’s an intensity to what he’s saying that he only gets when he’s loading in a new piece of hardware. He believes what he’s saying in a way that goes past normal. 

“I just  _ can’t  _ get how someone could be lucky enough to have her in their life and  _ waste  _ it.” And so it’s hard to listen to how confused he sounds now; echoes of Amber, neither of them really understanding how someone can be so cruel.

Parker gets that. They see so many people who are so good that other people have hurt just so they can be more powerful. That makes her mad, so she can get why it would make Alec mad. She thinks she understands why Alec was too upset to be comforting earlier, if he was thinking about how bad people can be for no reason. 

“But that’s not all, is it?” Eliot asks, surprising Parker. It seemed like enough to be upset about. 

Alec’s swallowing a little. Parker goes to reach out, to either pat encouragingly or reassure, she’s not sure, but Eliot darts his eyes to her hands so she keeps them still, and waits. The only sound in the room is some small bubbling from the stove.

She counts seconds in her head so she knows it’s not more than five, but if feels like so long before Alec starts talking again.

“What’s the point of all of the stuff we do, all of the people we help, if I can’t even protect my family?” Alec looks at her at Eliot, with pleading eyes but Parker is a little confused. Aren’t they here now, helping? Alec didn’t know what this horrible guy was going to hurt Amber. It’s not like he let him.

But Eliot looks like he took a punch to the solar plexus. So it must mean more than she thinks it does. She doesn’t like it when she’s out of sync with Alec and Eliot. They’re the only ones she ever does understand most of the time.·

She doesn’t want to ask Alec what the big deal is right now so she makes a mental note to ask Eliot about it during their run.

Alec’s started again. He’s slowly drooping further over down into the table. At the end he’s not really talking to them anymore, seems like he’s speaking straight to the fake wood top.

“When does it stop? We’re not kids anymore, getting shoved into different homes regardless of what’s going on. We already did all that. So when do you get to relax, and stop being on guard for the next horrible thing? I’m tired. I wasn’t braced for the next bad thing, and I don’t want to have to be all the time.”

Parker cocks her head a little. If you ask Parker, bad stuff happens and then you either make a clean escape or mess up whoever did it so they can’t hurt you anymore. Life isn’t waiting for the bad stuff to stop to get going. Life is just always happening, same as bad stuff is always happening. It comforts her. It means she can be maximally happy whenever, and she doesn’t have to hold off for the right set of circumstances. She didn’t always think happiness was really a part of life, but now that she does, she just lets it sit next to everything else, not as a separate ingredient that she has to wait to savour when no one else is threatening it.

She knows Eliot thinks something reasonably similar to her about this. One time he said, ‘If it was easy, they wouldn’t call it living,’ which she thinks is the same general idea.

She and Eliot still haven’t said anything else when they hear Amber coming towards the kitchen. Eliot and Parker straighten up so Amber comes into the kitchen the two of them are back in position. Eliot’s stirring, Parker is turned towards Amber, but Alec’s still facing the table. Alec’s making the atmosphere a little heavy, so it doesn’t look totally normal, but they’re not trying to con Amber so it’s probably okay that the illusion isn’t perfect.

Parker knows they’re not done talking about this, but it can wait.

Amber’s washed her face, but Parker can still see the traces of where she was crying. Amber tries to smile a little but it’s wobbly.

“Hope you don’t mind, I threw something together,” Eliot says, warmly, the most like himself he’s sounded all evening.

“It smells great. I don’t know if Alec told you, but I usually just order in.” They look towards Alec but all he’s done is pulled out his phone to poke at aimlessly.

Parker interjects. “Eliot’s food is great, you’ll like this better.” Eliot’s food makes people feel good and Parker thinks Amber could use that right now.

“I’ll set the table,” Alec says, “where are the bowls?” 

Amber hovers a little before admitting, “I don’t know. I haven’t touched anything in here since I moved in yesterday.” And that’s just wrong. How can you live in a place you haven’t thoroughly swept? That’s a security problem they’ll have to fix.

Dinner is surprisingly fun, though, once they find all of the cutlery. Amber is just like Alec, except a little less sarcastic.  She tells a story about her a time her graduate supervisor approved putting his name on a joke paper that got accepted at three major publications, and it’s so funny even Eliot snorts into his rice vegetable food thing.

By mutual consent, after they’ve eaten they all retreat to their rooms to go to sleep. Their usual routine carries them through until they’re getting into the bed, which then reopens the question of how they're going to sleep. But she doesn’t have to worry; Alec’s not too argumentative. Eliot always takes the spot closest to the door and Parker and Alec are on a rotating Oreo model. Sometimes in the summer Alec doesn’t want to be the creamy filling ‘cause it’s so hot, but he’s just a big whiner who should get over it. Luckily it’s fall here so they can skip that argument, and he settles pretty peaceably into the center. 

And since Parker’s ready for this day to be over, she’s out as soon as she’s got Alec settled flat.


	2. Chapter 2

Parker and Eliot are up pretty naturally with the sun and move in total silence until they’re doing their stretches outside. She’s not honestly sure why they bother being quiet, outside of habit, since Alec sleeps like the worst security guards at the Pergamon Museum. And since Amber seems of a type with Alec, Parker can’t imagine her being different.

By mutually unspoken decision, they keep the pace to a light jog. They don’t know the neighbourhood and don’t want to be far away from the house. But the run is still a necessity. As soon as they start, she can feel the rhythm take over, and everything else fades a bit. She lets herself sink in for a moment before choosing to start on her checklist.

“What did Alec mean about not being able to protect his family?” She asks.

Eliot side-eyes her a bit. “Which part is the confusing part?” 

Parker likes the way Eliot always asks her instead of just assuming and barreling through an explanation like Nate would.

“He didn’t know things were bad for Amber, and now we’re here making it better. So why is that bad?” 

Eliot thinks for a minute, pace steady.

“What’s my job, Parker?” he asks finally.

“You get us through obstacles. You protect us.” She knows this one, they’ve gone over it.

“And sometimes people still hurt one of you, or scare you. You always tell me it’s ok when that happens, and make sure I’m ok. This is like that for Alec, right now. He needs to know that even if it’s not ok right now, it’ll be one day.” This makes sense. But Alec needs to know that protecting Amber was  _ not  _ his job. It’s never his job to do the protecting. He’s logistics. And maybe some aftercare. Even Eliot isn’t expected to keep them safe  _ all the time.  _ That would be exhausting.

“Alec thinks it’s wrong that bad things happen to people.” Parker nods; she knows that. She doesn’t have to look over at Eliot to know that he’s tracking her face closely, making sure he’s saying stuff in a way she’ll understand. He can do that while still looking around, it’s the opposite of how Parker can focus in on a safe and figure it out. “He tries to keep people from being hurt by stopping people who try to hurt others.” Hmm, ok. That’s not how she thinks about the job they do. It’s more of a vengeance gig for her. She’s not arrogant enough to think they can stop a bad thing before it happens, like in that old movie with the Mission Impossible guy. Why does Alec think that?

She’s thinking through that one, her mental hamster is just running on its wheel. Maybe Eliot can see the little legs going cause he tries something else.

“This is like when Sterling blew up our office in LA.” Momentary blackout of rage. “We had our whole thing going on and then he went and tried to take it away from us.”

“But he  _ didn’t.”  _ Parker is forever going to be defiant on that part. They went and they  _ stole  _ it back.

“Yeah but that’s how Alec feels right now. This guy went and destroyed something in a place that Alec thought would be safe. He’s hurting right now.” 

And Parker gets it, then. She doesn’t  _ get it  _ get it cause she would never feel that way, but she thinks she gets where Alec is coming from now. She leans in a little and presses her shoulder against his. He presses back. Message received. She picks up the pace and Eliot matches her.

\---

The drive over to Amber’s old place is understandably tense. Normally she’d rely on Alec to crack a joke but she’s mindful of what Eliot explained when they were running. They’re going to go visit Sterling in the bombed out remnants of their headquarters. She thinks she can be a bit more patient with Alec with that in mind.

Amber’s old house is in a reasonably historic residential neighbourhood, boxed in on both sides by post-war houses of similar make. The four of them crowd up onto the porch in a bit of a ridiculous huddle. Alec is sticking close to Amber and holding onto Eliot’s hand. Eliot never lets anyone straggle when they’re approaching an unfamiliar location, so she’s kind of boxed behind Amber. If she got claustrophobic now would be the time.

Amber takes a deep breath and rings the doorbell. The door immediately opens. Parker realizes she never got evil ex-boyfriend’s name, which, oh well.

“Rohit,” Amber says evenly; mystery solved.

“Amber,” he says, and he seems a little nervous to see her, but also kind of...excited? Parker’s not sure if she’s reading that right but she thinks she is.

They stand there for a couple of seconds before Alec says, “We coming in or what,” completely failing to make that a question. Rohit waves them in.

Once they’re inside the living room, Parker blinks. This house is the total opposite of the mass produced safehouse Amber is currently staying in: Parker can see hints of her personality all over. The whole apartment is filled with homey touches, like the Caltech throw blanket on the overstuffed sofa and the hanging lights that resemble the solar system. Even though she says she doesn’t cook, the kitchen is painted a warm yellow and the pans are delicately hanging from a rack in the ceiling. And everywhere there are pictures. Pictures of Amber graduating, hiking, next to some rocket ships, but also with people who are probably family. She can already see a young Alec in a few. She can totally see how Amber fits here.

Except when she looks back at her, Amber’s gone all small. Even when she was breaking down yesterday, she had a glow to her that’s gone now. Parker’s hatred of Rohit goes up a notch. She can see that Alec is noticing Amber’s reaction too.

They fan out, going to their pre-assigned tasks. They did a bit of strategy breakdown over eggs this morning. Alec’s on books, Eliot’s on clothes, Parker’s doing the bathroom, and Amber’s going to go around and get all of the keepsakes and personal stuff from everywhere. They’ve barely taken two steps when Rohit opens his stupid mouth.

“You know, you don’t have to take everything right now, we could still talk and work --” Eliot’s already up between him and Amber and pushing Rohit back through the power of looming. “Um, jeez, Amber,” Rohit huffs out a shaky breath, “you can call off your dog, I was just talking.”

“Don’t talk about my boyfriend like that,” Alec says and Rohit blinks a little. Parker can see him reassessing. She’s braced for the full-on creep stare now that he probably thinks that she’s available, but he’s not looking at her at all like men do sometimes where their eyes go up and down and settle somewhere that isn’t her eyes. He seems totally normal. He’s not even looking at Amber in a scary way. She shivers a little. It’s eerie not seeing any of the badness she knows is underneath.

Eliot points him to a stool in the kitchen, and he sits. Eliot’s on him so she focuses on packing.

It doesn’t take them long to pack at all. Maybe an hour and a half and they’re out of there. Amber’s stripped the pictures and the blanket, but she’s left behind candles, and lights, and tons of little things Parker’s pretty sure don’t belong to the type of a guy who wears a polo on an off-day like Rohit does. 

When they get back in the car, Parker thought Amber might relax a little, but she’s even more tense.  _ Maybe that’s ‘cause she had to see him again _ , she thinks.

But then Amber says, “So, you’ve met him now. What did you think?”

Parker’s not focusing too carefully on her words, so she says what she’s thinking. Which is, “I’m impressed you got away. He keeps his evil on the inside.”

Amber lets out this huge whoosh of breath and Parker is startled. She glances around at the others and watches what she said land. Alec adds, “Amber, there’s nothing that can change how much we believe you.” That’s the Alec Parker knows. Parker wouldn’t have even thought believing Amber was a question for them, only the bad cops that are the stars of CSI don’t believe people and no one has ever accused them of being cops. But Alec knew. And he knew what to say. 

Eliot just reaches out and touches Amber gently on the shoulder before putting both hands back on the wheel.

For the first time today, Amber smiles a little.

\---

After they unload the boxes into the duplex of depression, Alec and Eliot announce that they’re going to go stock up on some groceries.

This leaves Amber and Parker alone, which is a little terrifying. Parker stares at Amber. Probably for too long. Crap! Maybe she’s supposed to say something. Amber just blinks at her a little.

“I guess we should unpack.” Even though she’s the one who suggested it, Amber doesn’t sound excited about it.

“Sure, let’s do that.” That’s an activity! Parker is great at activities. Chatting is bad but activities give you a thing to talk about or an excuse not to talk at all. 

But Amber just stares at a box marked ‘clothes’ for a long moment. Then she says, in a dark voice, “I don’t want any of those. All of these. Every one of these all I can think is either ‘he liked me in this’ or ‘he didn’t.’” She rubs her hands on her face, an echo of the same gesture Parker’s seen Alec do when the plan is going wrong and there’s no backup to send in.

“Do you want new clothes? We can go get new clothes.” 

Amber laughs a little, but it’s humourless.

“Ah, but then, you see, all of the clothes will be the things I got because I couldn’t even touch my own stuff. There’s no escaping it. It’s like he put his fingerprints all over everything in my life and they’re pressed all the way in.” She crossed her arms when she started talking, but now it’s more of a hug. All right then.

“Do you want to learn how to throw people?” Parker says.

Amber looks at her, slightly startled but no longer gazing into misery. 

But Parker’s all about this idea now. “Eliot showed me, it’s really fun.”

Amber laughs again, but this time Parker can hear a bit of the real Amber underneath.

“Yeah sure, why not?” Amber sounds a little dubious, but those are details. This is going to be great. 

And that’s how Eliot and Alec find the two of them in a pile in the living room laughing. Their wrestling was a little bit more like noodles than ninjas but that’s what made it great. She doesn’t think Eliot will mind that she didn’t pass on the exact details of the moves. They’ve got time, he can fill in the boring blanks. The important part is having fun!

“Eliot! Come show me that armbar you taught me! I can’t remember how it goes.” 

Eliot looks over at Alec a little helplessly but Alec just shrugs, amused. Parker’s mostly focused on Amber trying to wriggle out, but out of the corner of her eye she can Alec pull Eliot in one armed and press his smile to the top of Eliot’s head.

Eliot doesn’t move when he calls out, “Amber, keep your hands up! That way she can’t get a grip.” And Alec makes no move to let him go. Amber’s not listening though, she’s just trying to tickle Parker which makes Eliot give a good natured grumble. 

\--- 

“I guess I should have a housewarming,” Amber says unenthusiastically halfway through her bowl of chili. “Show the new place off, let people know where I’m living.”

“You can’t live here,” Parker says, taken aback. “This place is certified dank.” That’s a phrase she learned from Alec, so she hopes Amber will know what it means. “Alec, get her a better house.”

“On it,” Alec says, already halfway out of the room.

“It’s not that bad!” Amber calls out but the only one listening is Eliot. “It’s not that bad,” she says more quietly. Eliot gives her a sympathetic smile, but he’s with them. 

“It kind of is, Amber,” he says. “This is the type of place we’d store rendition targets when we didn’t want them to know what country they were in.”

Alec’s already back with his laptop. They just sit there in a companionable silence, working their way through the chili. 

Amber breaks the silence. “This is really good chili, Eliot.”

Eliot tries to wave her off but she keeps complimenting it. Parker can see some red creeping up on Eliot’s neck, an adorable little blush. Without looking up, Alec reaches out and grabs Eliot’s hand with his left, so he can keep typing. Immediately, the red starts to go down. Parker pouts, but oh well.

Eliot clears his throat. “Thanks, Amber. But really, it’s easy. I can show you, if you’d like.”

“You know what?” Amber says, “I think I’d like that.” Amber smiles at Eliot and Eliot just ducks his head a little. Parker’s not bashful like Eliot so she just beams at them. Once you have the chili, your life is forever changed. Alec squeezes Eliot’s hand and pulls it back.

A minute later Alec says, “Ok, I’ve got a couple good candidates. One’s a craftsman, one’s a ranch style house. Both close to work. Neighbourhoods are nice, not too many amenities unfortunately, but it is southern California.”

Parker leans over. “Oh I like this one, it has a porch. You could read your books out there. Which one do you like?” 

Amber’s just staring at them. “Alec, you  _ cannot  _ buy me a house.” Amber’s voice is slightly hushed. “I know you’ve always done well on the stock market, but it’s too much.” Parker winces as she remembers, oh yeah, secret life of crime.

“Yes, I can buy you a house, Amber. No, listen. Nana’s mortgage is paid off and she won’t let me get her a maid or anything. Let me do this for you.” 

Amber can clearly read the determination on Alec’s face. It’s nice to see someone knowing Alec as good as they know him. This is good though. Alec does the logistics. This is like Alec buying the bar in Boston; they’re making a new headquarters for Amber after Sterling blew it up. 

“All right, then. That’s settled.” Task done, Alec digs into the chili, trying to catch up. Parker’s already done and she wants to look at the houses so she absently hands her bowl to Eliot who takes it to the kitchen, pausing to rest his free hand on Alec’s shoulder. Before he can let go, Alec presses his hand over Eliot and leans in. She wishes she were faster with her phone camera, so she could capture the rare tiny smile that Eliot is giving to Alec.

Things are looking up.

\---

Parker’s still feeling a little giddy when they make their way back up to the room. After dinner they got some good snuggles on the couch while watching some show called the Great British Bake Off.  It was great, except that 20 minutes in Parker was desperately craving maracons and Eliot said they were too hard to just whip up. So actually it was torture. But good torture? It’s confusing. But Amber laughed at a couple of puns, and Alec had his arm around her, and it felt nice.

So when she gets to the room, she gives Alec a kiss, trying to sum up all of her pent up affection. Turns to Eliot and does the same. But when she tries to drag them towards the bed, they won’t go. She tugs again.

“Hey, Parker,” Eliot starts. Parker frowns. “We were talking when we were out today, and we’re going to take a little break from sex stuff. You guys can do what you want, just, for me and Alec, we’re going to wait for a bit.” 

Parker rocks back on her heels as she feels the floor slip away from her. She knows better than to windmill her arms to catch herself -- it’s better to drop your centre of gravity and lean towards the higher ground -- but that’s what she wants to do. The sex part has always been the easy part. Eliot uses sex like glue to keep people together. He’s got people on four continents who are still happy to see him even after he does stuff like blow up the office where they work or get their government deposed. The talking part is usually the hard part, and sometimes scheduling time. But the bed rotation helped with that, so she can’t think of what could be going wrong.

“You don’t want us anymore?” Her voice comes out really small, and she hates it.

“No! No, Parker, that’s not it at all. This is a me and Alec thing.”

“Then why?”

“It’s my idea,” Alec says, and she whips her head around, braid following, to stare at Alec. She’s pretty sure that if they hadn’t all wanted to add in complicated feelings, Alec and Eliot would have been sex friends for life. Their sex life was and is the stuff legends! It can put Alec’s WoW marathons to shame. “I need a little bit of time right now and Eliot agreed.” 

This does not answer her question at all. “Why?”

“Parker, don’t freak out,” Eliot says, using the magical freak-out-causing sentence. But this means it’s something she’d get upset about. And she’s not upset about a lot except for…

“This is about what Eliot told you yesterday.” Alec nods. “Bad stuff happened to Eliot and now you don’t want to touch him.” Her brain spins. She feels like her body just hit ground and the pain is still coming. But over everything she feels so, so disappointed. How many times did Alec tell her she wasn’t bad or broken, just different? And that he still wanted to know her? He treated her so different than everyone else. She trusted that. 

“That’s not why! It’s just that right now I look at Eliot and I feel angry that someone hurt him and upset that I couldn’t protect him. I can’t just switch that off like you two can! I can’t stop thinking about it.” Alec sounds a little desperate, here. But that sure sounds like Alec treating Eliot differently than before. It feels a lot like Alec is treating Eliot like other people would other people; grubby and common, like a dollar bill about to come out of circulation. And that’s not right.

It sharpens her words. She leans forward, “You were supposed to be better than this.” It comes out just as bitter as she’s feeling, no pretending or covering up.

“If that’s how you want to see it, fine. I’m not better than this.” He paces a little. “I’m a human, and sometimes I feel things and it takes me a while to work through it.” He calms down a little, turns to them with his hands out, voice gentled. “And when I touch you both, I want to feel nothing but good stuff. And I can’t do that right now, so I shouldn’t touch at all.” Parker likes the way Alec touches them. It feels special, it makes her feel special and she got used to it. But apparently he can just take that away whenever, for something that is totally not Eliot’s fault! 

“So what? No more hugs until you forget this happened to him?” She doesn’t like the way Eliot is just sitting there listening. He hasn’t reacted to anything that Alec has said at all, not even an eyebrow. He never lets them talk over him. 

“No, I’m not saying that. I just need a sex break just for a little bit!” Alec looks a bit wounded, which is also unfair. “Nothing’s changed, I just need to breathe for one second. That’s all I’m asking for. I was patient with you when you were working on feelings. I need you to be patient with me now.” 

And that actually does make sense to Parker. She got ok with hugs at about the same time she got ok with sex, but there is an extra special vulnerability or something to nakedness. So she sort of gets that special rules apply. It doesn’t do anything to dull how she feels though. 

“Eliot’s the one who lived it, though. If he’s not upset I don’t get why you are.” She’s trying not to yell, because yelling is Bad, but it’s hard. She can’t believe that when she saw them touching earlier she thought everything was ok. This is not ok, even if Alec is telling her that it’ll be fine. She can feel her breathing speeding up.

“I am upset.” Eliot’s voice breaks through the dull pulsing behind her eyes. The pressure is building up inside of her and it’s making it hard to think, let alone feel. His voice has got a rough edge again, like the first words of the morning, except bad sounding instead of something she looks forward to. 

It’s the first words he’s spoken since they started this argument. “Talking about it brought it up again. I never wanted any of that to touch you, touch what we have.”  _ Fingerprints,  _ Parker thinks. Except the fingerprints are touching her and Alec too. “I’ve had years to live with it, though. It took me a while to be ok, and if this is what Alec needs to be ok, then it’s no skin off my back.” 

But Parker thinks,  _ Yes it is _ . Maybe not for Eliot, but for her. 

Suddenly she can’t bear to be there. She’s already moving towards the window before she remembers one of their agreements. She quickly steps back and gives them each a kiss. “Gotta go,” she says, and then she’s gone.

\---

She knows she needs to get up high, clear her head. She ends up having to take the clunky van and drive for over an hour. Everything around her is nothing but short buildings and strip malls. Southern California is the worst.

Finally she finds some random bank building. Art deco, good climbable surface. From up high, things aren’t so bad. The lights go forever, patches of darkness where she knows there are canyons, but otherwise she could be in Beijing or Lagos. Somewhere far from here. She lets it carry her away.

Once she’s stopped feeling like she’s going to fly apart into a million pieces, she gets back in the car and drives back. No hesitation. No matter what, with them is where she wants to be.

On the way, she lets herself think about it for the first time since Alec freaked out in the bedroom.

They all came into this relationship with so much in their pasts. And they’ve worked so hard and made so many compromises to become a team. She doesn’t like thinking that it’s so easy to undo everything they’ve been to each other. That something can come up and hurt what they have, and they can’t do anything about it. 

It’s an uncomfortable thought.

When she gets back, she hovers outside of the window for a bit, staring at them. One of them must have left it open for her.

The climb gave her a little perspective. She just has to trust that when Alec says he needs a minute, that’s all he needs, and it doesn’t mean he’s fading out on them. Alec’s never needed to get away from them before, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. She and Eliot take breaks all the time. They just take themselves away to do it, and they never talk about it with Alec.

Alec has his arms fully wrapped around Eliot, pulling Eliot into his chest. It’s not a usual sleeping pattern for them. Even though they’re both totally out, Alec hasn’t relaxed his grip at all. It makes something inside of her melt a little to see them so close. 


	3. Chapter 3

The next day they’re out by 8, and Amber is taking possession of her new house at 12. She seems a little overwhelmed by the speed of the thing, but Parker’s set up a full cover in less time than that, so. Alec’s skills are magic, it’s not worth thinking about the how, but Parker imagines that some starry eyed young real estate agent ran all over town with a duffel of cash to close escrow. Cheri sure gives off that impression when she hands over the keys. It’s the combination of tired mixed with the money gleam that sells it.

A couple of van trips later and they can say a permanent goodbye to the glorified prison house. 

When they’re unloading, Parker tucks all of the clothes boxes into the farthest crawlspace and hopes Amber doesn’t run across them for a while. She makes a point to pull Amber aside to say, “This is the house Alec bought you because he loves you. That’s the only reason.” 

She’s trying to free the house from the press of Amber’s past. She’s not sure it’s working, but she had to try. Amber gives her a hug -- unexpected -- so maybe she does get what Parker’s saying.

She can tell this place is an improvement already, even with no couch and unpainted walls. The house seems to breathe with them, and the windows cast the living room full of light. 

Parker finds a patch of sun to lie down in while Alec, Amber, and the incredibly expensive interior decorator do a walk-through. She cracks an ear; they’re talking about colour schemes. She tunes it out. She’s drowsing off when some of the chatter permeates her consciousness. Apparently they just  _ need  _ to get down to her office to review some fabric swatches,  _ absolutely  _ cannot delay. 

Alec checks in with her before he goes: “You ok here, babe?” She just makes a reassuring noise and waves him off. She’s mentally working out a new approach to the Winter Palace. Easy security, but the terrain poses a challenge.

A couple minutes later, she’s interrupted again. “I’m going to head out.” 

It’s Eliot. She sits up. He’s already got his shoes on. Clean button down and he’s done...something...to his hair. Huh.

“Where are you going?” 

He steps from foot to foot a little. Even curiouser.

“My buddy Shelley moved down to Azusa. He’s got a bait shop there.”

“Oh I can come, give me a minute.”

“Um.” Eliot says. Busted. She knew all of these manly hobbies were just codes for gay sex. And she’s had her suspicions about golf for a long time.

“So when Alec said no more sex, that’s not something you wanted.” Eliot makes a frowny face. But she knows he’ll explain it, ‘cause it’s her. 

“Sometimes when this stuff comes up, I want to have sex on my terms. Remember why I like it. It’s like getting in a good spar after I get beat on a little. Clears the system out.” Eliot tucks his hair behind his ears so she can see his face and how earnest it is. There’s no upsetness that she can see, just that slight squint he gets when he’s got a plan. She’s reminded that he’s had a lot of years figuring himself out before she or Alec got anywhere near him. He knows what he’s about.

“So why did you say yes to Alec?” Parker asks, genuinely curious. If he needed his sex spar, then why cut himself off?

“You think I want to have sex with Alec when he doesn’t 100% want to be having sex with me?” Which. Point. Maybe pushing Alec yesterday was the bad type of pushing. “Also, I get why he doesn’t want to. You start introducing bad things into sex and it takes a long time to get them out.” 

She’ll take Eliot’s word on the last point. But that still leaves one obvious big question. 

“I’m right here.” 

Parker can tell Eliot immediately knows what she means. He winces a little. “Would you believe it if I said you maybe felt the same?” he says. 

“No,” she says simply. Waits a second. Raises an eyebrow.

No more than a minute later Parker’s balanced on the edge of the kitchen counter, her knees wrapped around Eliot’s head. Many a time she and Alec had tried to talk about the  _ mouth  _ on this man, and they never found the right words. He keeps working her over until her palms are sweating and her elbows are starting to shake. She’s started making involuntary whimpers every time he nudges his nose up and  _ oh god _ she’s not sure how much longer she’ll be able to hold herself up. And since she once hung from a girder over the Seine for 6 hours, that is  _ really _ saying something.

“Please,  _ please,  _ Eliot,” she gasps out.

“Please what, sweetheart,” Eliot asks, pulling his head back just enough to press wet, sticky kisses to her right inner thigh, then her left.  _ Oh god,  _ she thinks, and then her elbow gives out.

“You have to,” she pants a little as he starts kissing his way back down. “I need you to - “

“Whatever you want,” he murmurs, lips pressed right against the join of her thigh. The rumble of his voice has her eyes rolling back in her head.

“I want to make you feel good.”

“This makes me feel good,” he says, and he starts licking her again.

“ _ Fuck me!”  _ She practically screams the words as he takes her over the edge. He works her through it, but then he’s propping her on the counter and pulling away. For a nonsensical second she just makes tiny grabbing motions before realizing,  _ oh, right, condoms. _

But then he’s right back, and lifting her like she’s nothing. He lowers her down onto his cock in one almost frictionless slide. All she needs to do is hold on. Not because she has to -- he’s got her but because she has to keep touching him. 

She can tell he wants to make it good for her, rolling into her smoothly, canting his hips up right at the very end, always staying pressed right against her. But she’s way past ready, and urges him on, pressing back against him as hard as she can, scoring lines down his back with her short, hard nails until he makes a pained grunt and finally picks up the pace.

When he’s done and pressed into her as far as he can go, he brings a hand down between them and starts circling her clit. She thinks she might cry. She’s only upright because he has his left hand looped around her body, pressed all the way under her left breast. She knows what he wants. He loves it when she comes around him when he’s spent and sensitive. One time, Hardison fucked him while he was trapped inside her, the force keeping him from slipping out. She thinks about the way he cried out on every stroke, like the pleasure bordered on pain. Alec’s face above her as he pressed kisses into Eliot’s neck. 

The thought sends her over the edge again, and Eliot just holds her while she shakes it out.

He carries her carefully into the shower after  ̓cause there’s nowhere else to put her down. Midway through getting her hair shampooed, she clicks back into her brain.

“Did it help?” 

Eliot’s finger’s slow a little in her hair.  “It sure didn’t hurt,” Eliot says, wry.

He makes a sound that’s too sharp to be a laugh, and his fingers pick up the pace. You can’t interrupt during the washing portion of hair, she has learned·-- that just leads to suds in mouth and temporary blindness. So she waits, and once he’s working in the conditioner, he continues.

“I used to wait for it to not matter, for it to be nothing in the same way that the first tooth I lost is nothing. But what’s happened is that I’ve just gotten faster. Right? It took me months, maybe a year to stop thinking about it -- him -- all of the time once I’d left. I got my food, I got new jobs, I got a life, and one day I realised I didn’t have to force myself to think about those things instead of thinking backwards. The next time I got reminded, like, really reminded, it took me about half as long. Now, five or ten minutes and I’m usually ok. And if not,” and here he gives her a small tug so she angles her head back for rinsing, “I have a system. I make a meal, I list the differences in my life, and I find someone charming to spend an evening with.” He smiles at her.

She feels the warmth of it. She gives him a boop on the nose, “Thank you,” she says. He looks startled.

“Pretty sure that should be my line, sweetheart.” 

She thinks about it then shakes her head. “This was important to you, and you let me help you.” She thinks for another moment. “Also, the orgasms were great.” Eliot throws back his head and laughs, and that pulls her along so she starts giggling too.

“Guess I should tell Shelley I’m not coming.”

“You can still go if you want, I might nap here a little.”

“Darling, I don’t think I could get it up again for love or money.” Her eyes spark a little. “No, that is not a challenge, you wrung me out good.” Good, she thinks, a little proprietary. 

“So grab a beer with him or something.” Sometimes the solutions are so obvious, but they need her around to point them out.

Eliot crinkles his eyes at her for a second giving her hair one last run through with his fingers. She leans into it, eyes closed. 

\--- 

They’re fully clothed, dry, and self-satisfied when Amber and Alec get back. With mattresses! Because Alec is thinking of the future. 

“You get everything?” Parker asks.

“Hm? Yeah,” Alec answers, distracted. He’s staring at his hands a bit. That’s when Eliot gives Alec a peck and Parker a squeeze and heads out the door.

“Where’s he going?”

“Drinks with a friend. What’s up, Alec?”

“Oh. Nothing?”

“I’ve got some blankets around here somewhere,” Amber calls from the other room. “I think we  can build a fort. If I find the Nintendo, it’s Mario Kart time!” 

Parker decides not to mention she has been banned from Mario Kart due to an unfortunate orange soda throwing incident. It’s not her fault she plays to win. She turns her attention back to Alec, squeezes his hands a little.

He speaks in a very quiet voice. “What if it’s not enough?” 

She waits him out a little. When he doesn’t answer she prompts him and he says, “The house, us helping.” Her heart twinges a little. 

This is another one of those feelings she doesn’t get, but this one’s been explained to her. It puts her on some good ground for knowing what to say. So she tries to parrot what she’s heard back, voice firm, projecting all the certainty she’s got. Cause like, you can only do what you can do. And they’re doing it. And they’ll keep doing it for as long as it takes.

“We’re doing our best. And Amber is happy to have us here. Let’s focus on that, ok?” 

Alec gives her a jerky nod, but he squeezes her hands back. “You didn’t see her though, today. She kept blanking out at random times, getting sad out of nowhere. It really sucks, Parker,” Alec says, and Parker doesn’t know what to say. Her twinge from before is a bit more of an ache now. Maybe if she gives him a hug it’ll be better. Like putting some pressure on the pain. 

Out of the distance she hears Amber’s voice: “Ok, no Nintendo, but I did find my PS3. So I’m probably in the right area.” 

Alec blinks a little and moves to go, but Parker can’t leave it like this. She lunges out and pulls Alec into a hug.

“I love you, ok? I love you.”

“I love you too, Parker - what’s this about?”

She huffs out a breath, annoyed because she doesn’t have the words to say what she wants. She wants to say it’ll be ok and she’s there for him. And she wants to tell him he’s doing the right things with Amber. He’s doing enough. 

In the deepest parts of her heart, the parts she’s trying to squish down right now, she also wants to say:  _ be careful with me. I’m worried about what you’re doing to me and Eliot. I’m worried where it’s taking us. _ Eliot says not to introduce bad things into sex, but being afraid to touch is a bad thing. Parker knows that more than anything. But she can’t even begin to find the right words to say all that.

So she focuses on the part she can figure out how to say. “I don’t like the way you’re treating Eliot.” 

She can see the way he curls up a little as the words land. Tiny turtle. “I’m trying. I promise.” He looks up at her through his lashes and she can tell he means it. “I just keep thinking about what happened to him and I feel so angry and so guilty. When I think about sex right now, it brings that up and it makes me act weird, I know. I want to be good for you, and right now I can’t. I’m trying though. I’m trying as fast as I can.” 

Why does he feel guilty? She nods though, trying is something. 

“Found it! Oh, am I interrupting?” 

“No, no, we’re good.” Alec says, and Parker hopes they will be.

\---

By the time Eliot comes back, it’s late, and they’ve relearned why Parker can never play Mario Kart. She just likes going fast! She thinks they’re overreacting a little.

He’s walking a little loose, like he does when he’s had a couple of drinks. She’ll have to ask him later if he got up to any good shenanigans with Shelley.

They’re getting ready for bed when Alec asks, tentative, “Hey guys? I know it’s Parker’s turn, but would it be ok if I slept in the middle?” 

Parker’s already nodding, so it’s no surprise when Eliot says,  _ of course, man,  _ in his little gruff way. 

If she didn’t already know Alec was in a bad place, she would have been tipped off by way he immediately turned his back to Eliot, an invitation for Eliot to curve around his body which Eliot accepts. Alec drops his head down onto Parker’s left shoulder.

“You’re really going through it, huh?” Eliot murmurs, running his hand gently up and down Alec’s arm. 

“I’m sorry.”

“No, baby, don’t be sorry. I got you.” Eliot makes eye contact with Parker over Hardison’s shoulder. “We’ve got you.” Parker nods back at Eliot, pact sealed. 

Alec takes a shuddering breath and lets it out, but the shaking doesn’t stop. Parker reaches her hand across her body to press Alec’s head against her shoulder. They just hold him until his shaking switches into sleep, and Parker follows him close behind.


	4. Chapter 4

They haven’t been out for more than a couple of hours when an extended doorbell press jolts them awake.

“ _ Amber! I know you’re in there.”  _

“Stay down and away from the windows.” Eliot’s already moving. They’ve been through enough that their bodies are already responding, dropping off the far side of the bed as they crouch-crawl their way into the hallway. 

Eliot intercepts Amber on the stairs.

“Hey. Hey Amber, listen to me.” Eliot’s voice is low, but clear. “It’s going to be fine. I need to ask you a couple of questions.” In the background they can hear Rohit screaming and they can tell it’s hard for Amber to focus on Eliot. “Does he have a gun?”

“Wh-what?” Amber asks. Eliot waits patiently for a second then asks again. “No, he doesn’t, I don’t think.”

“Parker. Call the cops.”

“What? No!” Alec says. “They’ll take too long.”

“Alec, think about this. We need to start documenting.” Parker’s already dialling, ready with her best panicked Alice White.

“Say you don’t know if he has a gun.” 

Parker nods, already talking to the dispatcher. Eliot’s got his body between them and the downstairs. She can hear pounding on the door.

Alec’s talking to Amber. “Who did you give your address to?”

“Just, just some friends at work. They were worried about me. God, they must have told him.” The pounding stops. Parker’s on the line with the dispatcher, so she knows the cops are on their way.

“Dammit,” Eliot says, and he shoots out towards the back door. Amber’s started to cry, but it doesn’t seem like she realizes. Alec pulls her down to sit next to him on the stair and wraps an arm around her.

She hears a thump against the fence and then Eliot’s voice: “Stay back! You can’t come in here.” 

She updates the dispatcher, “He’s trying to climb the fence.” The dispatcher says something meaningless, but her ears are focused on what Eliot is doing. If he’s climbing, that probably means no gun. Lights are starting to come on in some of the neighbour’s houses. 

Eliot manages to keep him at bay for a tense couple of minutes before Parker hears a “Down on the ground!” Eliot’s back inside with them within ten seconds, saying unnecessarily, “Police are here.”

After that, it’s all over but the cleanup. Parker breathes. She knows what to do now, and Eliot’s an expert, but it’s still scary. Even when they’re not getting shot at or blown up, it’s still a lot, even with Eliot protecting them. Amber’s face though. She was terrified. No one should be making Amber feel like that. Parker puts herself in front of bad guys, but Amber makes spaceships! No one should distract her from that. When they wake up tomorrow, they need to make a plan to make sure no one’s going to bug Amber anymore. 

This guy is small-time. He’s nothing. It’ll be easy.

Parker thinks about this while they give their statements. It only takes a couple of minutes, and the cops keep Rohit outside so Amber doesn’t have to see him. Which is the only upside, since they’re just going to drive him home. The sergeant gives Amber a card and says she can come in to make a complaint, but Parker knows just how useless that’s going to be. It’s frustrating. At least Amber has them.

She figures that’s going to be it for sleeping, but Amber’s determined to go to work in the morning, so they shuffle back off to their rooms.

Alec isn’t ready to settle down, though. He’s wild. He practically pings into the room after them, vibrating in a way that hurts her eyes to watch.

He’s muttering to himself a little, and the only words Parker manages to catch are ‘I can’t.’ She exchanges a look with Eliot, who is equally freaked out. But he clears his throat and tries, “You can’t what, baby?” 

Alec turns to Eliot, and his eyes are burning.

“I can’t live in a world with that guy in it.” Parker knows he means Rohit. “I won’t do it.” 

Next to her, Eliot’s gone still. Parker’s still caught in Alec’s eyes, the power blazing out of them, she hasn’t really caught up to what he’s saying yet.

“What are you saying, Alec?” The words are sinking in now and -- no. He can’t mean what she thinks. 

“I think you know.” 

Parker thinks she does too, and she can’t believe it except for how serious Alec’s voice is. She puts her hands over her mouth. If Alec is fire right now, she’s ice. Her limbs are heavy and her breathing burns.

“Spell it out for me.”

“I want him dead.”

“What are you asking me?”

“I’m asking you to help me.” And Eliot doesn’t say anything, but Parker can read the lines of his shoulders. She has to jump in.

Dragging her hands away she says, “No, no, Alec, you don’t want to do this.”

“Yes, I do.”

“ _ Eliot _ doesn’t want to do this.” She knows that’s true. It still rips him apart, the things he’s done. She remembers him, days ago, talking about how Moreau made him kill. But at the same time, she knows Eliot will do it. He gave himself to her and Alec so completely, vault doors flung wide, and said,  _ Whatever I can give, you can have.  _

“Then I’ll do it myself. Tell me how, and I’ll do it. Give me a gun, something.” Alec’s standing strong, braced. He hasn’t turned away from Eliot the whole time. Even when he was answering her, it was like he was talking through her, like she wasn’t there. He doesn’t look like Alec. He doesn’t sound like Alec, the strain warping his voice til there’s no warmth in it.

Eliot looks away, speaks to the floor. “I can’t let you do that. Killing someone...you don’t come back from that. It changes you.” Alec looks ready to fight when Eliot continues, “I’ll do it.”

“We can con him! We do it all the time, no one will ever have to see him again. Please!” Parker wants to leap in and grab his hand, but she’s scared to touch him. Maybe if she could grab him, she could drag him back but if she touches him and he’s solid, and warm, and human, then this is real and it’s happening. Her voice is doing what she can’t, reaching out and pleading with him.

“No,” Alec says, like a stone. “I don’t want to spend a single second of our time on this guy. I don’t want to get to know him better, find his weaknesses. And I don’t want Amber knowing he’s out there somewhere. She should get to know that he’s gone. That he can never put his hands on her ever again.”  _ Fingerprints,  _ Parker thinks,  _ they’re everywhere _ .

“We can find another way!” 

Alec swings towards Eliot, ignores what Parker just said. It’s like she’s further and further away from them in a dark tunnel where they can’t see or hear her. Alec reaches for Eliot’s hands, and she can see Eliot’s hesitation. For the first time in a long time, Eliot doesn’t want to touch Alec. 

“Eliot, didn’t you feel better when we took down Moreau, when he couldn’t hurt you anymore?”

All Parker’s breath whooshes out in a cold rush. How dare he?

Eliot nods a little, mechanically. Quietly, he admits, “I liked looking over my shoulder and not worrying I’d see him there.”

“That’s what I want for Amber. I want to make sure he can’t show up outside her house ever again.” He’s pleading with Eliot, eyes big, hands out. Her body knows what to do with that. It’s trained, like exhaling when she releases the rappelling line. If Alec’s looking like that, all miserable and reaching out they should be helping him, holding him. But she won’t. And it looks like from the stiff way that Eliot is standing like he can’t. It’s all twisted up and she still feels so far away.

Eliot’s still nodding a little when he turns towards the closet and grabs his go bag. It’s an about face, decisive.

“What are you doing?” she asks his back. The distance collapses with a pop that leaves her ears ringing. She has to do something.

“Maybe you can live with what you’re asking me -- God I hope you can -- but I can’t. I’ll camp out starting tonight.” Eliot turns to face them, eyes flat, voice cold. “You’ll know when the job is done.” 

Parker can’t let him leave like this. She blocks the door.

“Parker…” He trails off. A crack in his stupid professional efficiency. Just for a second, but she saw it.

“No.”

“You’re making this really hard.” And she can see that his eyes are shining now--that maybe his exit wasn’t all efficiency -- but she doesn't care.

“You’re not making this hard enough.  _ Help me, _ ” she says, and she hopes the key Eliot gave her still works. “Help me convince him. This is destroying us.” 

Eliot closes his eyes. His lids are twitching, but he turns back. It’s a small movement, but it’s like he’s stepping back into the room. He takes a deep breath. Holds. Releases. 

Alec’s just standing there eyebrows drawn in, hands still out.

“Did I ever tell you about my first kill?” Eliot says, quietly. Alec shakes his head; of course he hasn’t. Eliot never talks about what he’s seen. “I was lucky, he went easy. 3 shots, right in his centre of mass, like they taught me. I was a kid then, but I still see his face. In my nightmares, even after everything I’ve done. I still see it. You kill Rohit - “ Alec flinches a little - “say his name! You kill Rohit, you carry him forever. You will never be clean of it. Now, I don’t know how much easier it’ll be, not pulling the trigger yourself, but I’m betting it’s not a lot.

“You say you want him out of your life? This is never going to give you that. You’ll carry him forever.” 

Parker barely lets the silence spin out for a second before following up, “And I won’t stick around. You let Eliot do this, you’re on your own. I’m gone.”

Alec crumples. One minute he’s listening to Eliot and Parker; the next he’s crouched in a ball, on the floor, sobbing. For a long moment, Parker just stares at him, this stranger wearing the face of her beloved. Eliot’s already on the ground, rocking Alec back and forth, and she can’t bring herself to move. Eventually, Eliot’s mantra breaks through, and she hears,  _ I love you, I’ve got you, you didn’t do it, I love you.  _

It could be for any one of them. For Alec for taking it back, for Eliot for keeping one name off his list, and for her for not leaving. 

She almost lost them.

She feels pricking at the back of her eyes, and when she looks down she can see Eliot staring back at her, hand outstretched. She folds down onto the ground, and Eliot passes Alec over to her. Immediately, Alec starts repeating,  _ I’m sorry.  _ She’s been waiting for those words, but right now she doesn’t need them, sheer relief that Alec didn’t go down a path she couldn’t follow. So she grabs his face, seals the words in with her hands and says, “It’s okay.” 

\---

They’re in bed, but Parker doesn’t know if she can sleep. Or more like she doesn’t  _ want  _ to sleep, some part of her is worried that she’s going to wake up and Eliot will be gone. Alec’s in the middle again, but Parker keeps looking up over him just to make sure Eliot’s still there. 

Getting into the bed had been carefully choreographed, everyone really careful of each other’s space like they were in a room of laser trip wires they had to avoid. But once they were in it was easy. Alec dropped off like a switch got flicked, but Parker’s still just lying there.

Eliot catches her staring and raises an eyebrow. Parker gives him wide eyes back. Eliot nudges his head towards the door but she shakes her head. If she has to talk about a single thing she’s feeling right now, it’ll be like releasing a hive of bees. It’s only just ok if she keeps the buzzing inside. But she can’t lie there either, so she slides out of bed.

When she walks past Eliot, he shoots out his hand, and she grabs it. His calluses are there, just as familiar as always as she runs her thumb over one rough knuckle before pulling her hand away. She nods at him and he nods back. It’s a compact that he’ll still be there when she gets back.

Parker glances over at Alec, who has reached out his arm to where she should be. She’s seen him do that exact motion 100 times. She almost never saw it again. Her world does a funny thing when she thinks about that.  _ Don’t think about it. _

She leaves the door open when she leaves. She knows she can be quiet.

She’s not sure what she needs right now. Thinks about climbing, but can’t bear the thought of going so far away. In the end, she just walks the house.

The house has good bones, just needs some life in it. It’s pretty open, but there’s some great nooks and corners in it too. An open space under the stairs, something that looks like a cabinet but is just tiny doors between the kitchen and the dining room. 

It settles her. She still feels like her heart took a fall from a story up, but she can think a bit more. Alec can’t ask that of Eliot again. He can ask for a lot, but not that.  _ What if he does it again?  _ Her treacherous mind tries, but she’s not thinking about that, not allowed.

What’s important, the only thing that’s important, is that they’re still together, still on the right side of the line. 

And she knows what she needs. When she heads back into the room, Eliot opens his eyes; he’s been waiting for her. She puts her hands together and spreads them apart, and Eliot nods.

Together, they roll Alec over and Parker nestles into the space. Maybe they’ll switch later, but this time it’s her turn. Eliot opens his arms and she snuggles inside. He smells good, and familiar.

“I don’t want you to go.” 

The words are muffled against him and he takes a second. But she can feel it when he gets it, ‘cause he says, “God, me neither.” His voice is cracked open and he crushes her a little, nose pressed into her hair. Breathes in, lifts his head so he can whisper fiercely, “I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here.” 

That’s enough for right now.


	5. Chapter 5

“There’s breakfast downstairs if you’re up to getting out of bed,” Parker says. Parker’s trying to be gentle with Alec, and not just because Eliot had asked her to go easy on him this morning. They’ve all earned a little fragile object treatment. “Eliot made your favourite.” She’s been up for hours, same as Eliot, though they skipped their run today.

Alec sticks his head out of the blanket a little. He’s a little puffy in the face and even though he’s blinking to get used to the light, she can see that his eyes aren’t opening all the way. “Where did he go?”

“He’s driving Amber into work.” This seems to make Alec even more sad, and he buries his head under the pillow as well. “Ok, well, I’m out here when you’re ready.” Parker touches him gently before she tries to step away. 

Alec shoots out a hand and asks, muffled, “Is Eliot ok?” 

Parker’s feeling much more emotional than usual, like the feelings are sitting right under the skin instead of all stuck up in a ball in her middle, which is why she thinks his words give her a brief moment of warmth. Alec asking about Eliot -- and caring about him -- is a good sign.

“Yeah, he’s ok,” Parker says, even though she’s not sure how much that’s true; having to kill again is one of Eliot’s worst nightmares, so he probably hasn’t already shaken off the fact that it almost came true. But he smiled at Parker this morning, and hummed a little when “Come On Eileen” came on the radio while he was peeling potatoes for the torta.

He seemed like Eliot. And that’s enough for her right now.

Alec just grunts a little and releases her hand, so she takes that as an acknowledgment and heads downstairs.

The rest of her morning is spent coordinating delivery people and the interior decorator, whose name she should care about but doesn’t. She’s not sure what half of the stuff they’re bringing in is, and they keep asking her for her opinion. Should go without saying that she doesn’t have one. She’s been defaulting to saying, ‘Let’s do it as previously discussed,’ in her best Sophie tones, but that’s only going to work for so long.

Finally she hears some rustling from the stairs, but it turns out Alec’s just grabbing some omelette from the kitchen and heading back up. Eliot kept the terracotta pan in the oven so it would stay warm for Alec, a small touch she hopes he appreciates. She follows him back to the room. He’s a bit of a wreck, heavy-lidded, heavy-limbed. He’s about to crawl back under the covers, eggs included, but she interrupts him. She’s had some time to think about what she wants to say.

“Can I talk to you for a second?” 

He nods, gives her his full attention for the first time today. His eyes still have a bit of film of sadness on them. 

“I don’t understand what’s going on with you, and how you could ask Eliot to kill.” The last word barely escapes throat, getting halfway strangled on the way up. Saying it out loud feels like a bad omen somehow.

Alec swallows for a couple of seconds. She frowns and looks at his plate to make sure, but he hasn’t eaten anything. Can you choke on air?

“I know. I know it was wrong. I lost my mind for a second. I’m not a killer.” He says it pretty matter-of-factly. Like,  _ my eyes are brown, I love you, I lost my mind. _

She frowns.  __ “But I don’t get it. Why?” She means to ask, ‘why did you even have the idea?’ But Alec answers the other question.

“I don’t know how to explain it to you, Parker. Hell, I don’t really get it myself. I just know that when I think about those men touching the people I love I get so angry and so upset I can’t stand it. And not just once! But they hurt them again and again. Eliot and Amber are the best people, and someone hurt them. And Amber is not ok!” 

He’s trying to keep his voice down, so the last sentence comes out as this swallowed shriek. And Parker can hear the hurt there. Over the years with the crew, the one thing she’s learned is that feelings she doesn’t understand can hurt just as much as feelings she does. This is one of those times. She wants to make this better for Alec, she really does. But she also needs him to get what he’s been doing. She’s realising that he’s probably not looking past what’s going on with him to understand how close they came to the edge last night. 

She takes a deep breath. 

“I hear you. I hear that this is really hard for you right now.” She feels momentarily bad for using one of her grifting techniques, but sometimes it does help. And this part is so hard for her to say that she needs all the help she can get. “There are lots of things in my past - “ she forestalls his interruption, “ -- not Moreau things, I already told you. But when we got together, you told me all of that didn’t matter. Now I’m seeing you look at Eliot differently and it makes me worry. Do you not love him anymore because of what happened? What could you find about me that makes you stop loving me?”

“Parker, no. Parker, I still love Eliot just as much as ever.” Alec looks very awake now, eyes wide. “Why do you think I don’t love him?”

This stumps Parker for a second. It’s like they’re having two totally different conversations. This is like explaining that bad milk causes food poisoning. Like where do you even begin?

“You asked him to kill.” Alec is just looking at her expectantly, so she tries again. “Eliot doesn’t like killing.” Alec just blinks at her. Parker is getting frustrated now. 

Alec can see how she’s furrowing up and tries to help out, “But he didn’t have to. I changed my mind. You helped me change it.” He says it slow, like he’s trying to see if she’s understanding, but he’s the one who doesn’t understand. 

“Yeah, but you  _ asked _ !” Alec rocks back a little, and realises she’s shouting. She tries to quiet a little. “Killing is a thing that Eliot thinks is wrong. It’s a thing that makes Eliot upset. It’s a thing that he’d do for you,  _ so you can’t ask him to do it.”  _ She can feel her voice raising and going faster so she takes a breath trying to stop the way her heart is pounding behind her eyes -- little sparkles at the edges. Shouting teaches nothing and she needs Alec to  _ get this. “ _ I’m glad you decided not to go through with it, but you need to take that off your list of options. He can’t know that you’re one more bad case away from asking again.” She thinks for a second, then adds, “Also I couldn’t forgive him for doing it, so it would suck for me too.” 

She can see Alec taking this all in, processing. She forces herself to be patient while he stares at the floor, blankly. This is taking him way longer than it should and she tries not to get more frustrated. This is so obvious! Why doesn’t he get it? 

She reminds herself that being sad takes a lot of processing power and he has been really sad, lately. She gives him a few, long moments. 

Finally, he looks up, and he looks really serious and maybe a little horrified, not in the fun way like when Parker jumps off a building, but in the bad way like when Eliot walks away from a fight limping a little.

Out of nowhere, her body kind of goes limp and she sits down on the edge of the bed, hard. He gets it.

Now he just needs to say it.

“I hear you. I wasn’t thinking.” He waves a little. “And I know that’s no excuse cause you’re right. You’re so right and I should have known better. I shouldn’t ever  _ ever  _ have asked that of Eliot.” Alec grabs his head like he’s pressing the thought into his brain. 

“I wasn’t  _ thinking,”  _ he says again, almost muttering to himself. He looks up at her. “We changed together right? And I was acting like he hadn’t, asking him to go back.  _ Our _ Eliot doesn’t do that stuff -- I wasn’t treating him like he was ours. I didn’t mean to, but I was thinking more about his skills than who he is.

“And I will make this up to Eliot, ok? I will find a way to let him know he can trust me. I know,” and the way Alec puts his hand over his heart lets her know he really means this, “that he his past and I’m never going to add to that weight. Not again. I promise.” 

That’s good news. Alec’s never broken a promise to her, so she thinks she can let this go. There’s just one more thing.

“And you should stop punishing him for his past.” 

“I never punished him, Parker.” She wants to roll her eyes, but she’s too angry so they kind of just pulse a little, sparkles coming back. “I know I’ve been treating him a little differently. But that’s not a punishment, that’s just me right now, trying to not do more of the bad stuff that makes either of you upset. Did you talk to Eliot about it?” 

She tilts her head yes and no. They did talk about the no sex thing and Eliot actually did seem ok with it, but they didn’t talk about the murder thing and Parker doesn’t really want to.

Alec just nods and says, “I’ll talk to him.” This should make Parker feel ok. Alec apologised, he’ll do better, it’s really between Alec and Eliot anyway at this point. But she still is upset.

And she thinks she knows why.  

She breathes in a little, forces the words out. “You’ve changed a lot, Alec, and it scared me.” He startles a little and looks up at her. Maybe he thought this was just between him and Eliot too. “You need to change back.  _ I _ need you to do that. We said we’d change together, and this wasn’t together. I need the Alec I know, who never would have asked Eliot to kill.”

“I can’t change back, Parker,” he says it gently and calmly, certain of what he’s saying. She just glares at him, betrayed. “I’m sorry I scared you, I really am. I never wanted to scare you, never ever. But life changes you. It’s not something that can be avoided. And I can’t go back to yesterday, or the day before, or the day before. And hell, I wouldn’t want to.” 

She must look pretty upset, ‘cause he explains, waving his hands a little. “You just got done telling me about just how bad I’ve been to you and Eliot. I need to know that, and remember, and change more, and not take either of your trust for granted. Ok? I am hearing you Parker, I promise. But you have to accept that it’ll be a different Alec who figures that out. Past Alec thought, somewhere deep down, that Eliot is a person who kills and it’d be ok to ask for that. I know better now. Future Alec won’t make that same mistake. And you know Eliot. I can’t just say I’ll be better, I gotta show it.” He tilts his head, “I haven’t quite figured out how I’m going to do that yet, but I will. Future Alec is going to be very impressive, you’ll see.”

“I don’t want a new Alec.”

“Come here.” He puts out an arm and she nestles in. “Why not?”

“I liked old Alec.” She feels a little stupid saying that since he just made some good points about how he was being a jerk, and she’s pretty sure she agrees. But she doesn’t  _ know  _ new Alec. She knew old Alec. Old Alec always saved her the last bit of the Lucky Charms -- the part that’s all sugar. He never got between her and the door. He carried a little Parker survival kit with him full of lockpicks and climbing rope and pictures of cats with toast on their heads.

“Well, I like all of the Parker’s I’ve met.” That warms her a little. “What I can say is that I’ll do my best to always be the type of guy you like too. And if not, well then that’s a problem we can figure out later. But we can figure it out together, ok?” Alec sounds certain while he’s talking. She can tell from the set of his shoulders that he thinks that this is the right thing.

And she guesses she trusts that to be good enough. He’s smiling at her, a little wobbly, but so much more Alec-like than anything he’s done in the last few days. She presses it into her memory like an anchor point before she gets up and turns to go. 

“Parker?” She turns back. Alec looks at her, face open.

“Are we...do you still want me? For now?” 

She forgot, with all of those words, that she had to say some extra important ones.

“Of course I do.” He’s still her guy and it would be pretty silly if one bad weekend really changed that. And actually? She’s feeling pretty good now. Huh. Maybe this talking about feelings thing has something going for it. She should tell Sophie.

She turns and gives Alec a big hug. Squeezes him with all of the optimism she’s got now. He makes a little off sound so she backs off, but just to be clear she’s not mad she gives him a pat on the head, and says, “I got you boo.” Then she goes back down the stairs to go yell at the horticulturalist. You can’t put those bushes against the window; it totally blocks that exit route.

\---

“Parker, help me grab some plates for the pizza, would you?” 

Eliot left the dough to prove when he went to pick Amber up, so it’s been smelling like delicious bread for about an hour. It’s killing her. And it only got worse when the pizzas went into the oven. But now. Now they are ready.

That would be enough to get her to jump up, but she can also sniff out a ruse when she hears one. So she follows Eliot into the kitchen.

“What’s up?”

“So I figure you talked to Alec today.” He gives her a bit of side-eye, and she raises an eyebrow at him.  _ Yes, and?  _ But she has to know.

“How could you tell?”

His side-eye intensifies but it’s undercut a little by the way he’s carefully slicing the pizza. “I went up to see if Alec had eaten anything all day and he gave me some sort of prepared speech about how he ‘loves me’ and ‘sees me’ --” Parker can basically see the air quotes here -- “and he will prove myself worthy of my trust.” Eliot shakes his head a little wonderingly like he can’t believe it, with a small, secret smile dancing around his lips. She can’t help but beam back at him. Bashful Eliot is the cutest Eliot. She might even be able to get him to blush if she compliments him.

But first she just wants to let him know she likes that Alec apologised. “Well, good,” she says. Eliot ducks his head.

He looks down at the pizza and says his next words straight into a blend of six cheeses. “You know, I can stand up for myself.” The words are light, but it feels heavy.

She feels carefully around what she has to say. “Yes, and you do, but also, I get to take care of you.” 

He twinkles at her a little. “Well if that’s the case, it goes three ways. Anything you need, I’m here for you.” 

_ That’s part of the problem,  _ she doesn’t say -- decides that for today it’s enough to just know she can rely on Eliot anywhere, anytime. Everything else is just toppings, and you can put toppings on anytime.

Pizza acquired, they head out to the main room.

Since she was banished from Mario Kart, they’ve decided to try Borderlands 2, where at least her violence is appreciated. Also there’s no friendly fire. 

She’s getting kind of into it.

“No! Parker, drive us back, I’ve still got rounds for my rocket launcher! Woman, don’t play me like this!” But Parker can see the moonshine van in the distance and she is going to catch it and get its shinies. She’s focused on the game, but she can still see Eliot hide his smile in Alec’s shoulder. She could get used to this; maybe Amber would want to come to Portland. 

When she looks over, though, she notices Amber’s hands aren’t moving on her controller. Alec’s calling for backup against some spider-ants, but she’s gone a bit blank. Eliot notices next, then, slowly, Alec notices that no one else seems to be playing and pauses the game. He looks over at Amber, who is staring through the TV.

“Amber?” Alec asks, reaching out. She flinches away, and he drops his hand like it’s burned. She seems to click back in though.

“Sorry,” she says.

“Ain’t got nothing to be sorry about. You still want to play?”

“Yeah,” she nods. Then she just starts shaking her head. “I hate this! I can’t even hang out with my family, can’t even play a game. Am I always going to feel this way? I can’t take it.” 

Quicker than she can see, Eliot’s moved from his position on the couch and is kneeling in front of Amber. “You won’t,” he promises. 

He’s not touching her, but he’s got his hands out in front of him like he always does for Parker, letting Amber know that if she wants to, she can reach out. Amber does, and Eliot holds her hands gently. “This will get better. Not immediately, and not for a while, but you’ll notice. And one day you’ll realize you haven’t thought about it, and when you do think about it? It’ll hurt, but you won’t be living in it. I promise.” Amber’s face is full of hope and nerves and Parker wants to reassure her, tell her that if Eliot says so, it’s real. Eliot doesn’t sugarcoat and he doesn’t lie. But she’s not sure if that’s the right thing to say. Alec beats her to it.

“He knows what he’s talking about, Amber. And he doesn’t lie.” 

Amber looks between Eliot and Alec for a bit before she says, “Oh, Eliot,” and collapses forward into him. Eliot puts his arms around her but throws a bit of a panicked look at Parker. She mimes a bit of patting motion and Eliot takes it as permission to relax into the hold a little. Taking some inspiration, she reaches back out to Alec and and grabs his hands the same way. 

“Eliot doesn’t lie,” she repeats firmly. “This will get better.” 

Alec makes a small wounded noise and presses his forehead against hers. She can feel the way his breath is shaking out of his body. Eliot spares a hand from hugging Amber to reach out, and she and Alec collapse in.

They all sit there for a long moment, just breathing until the air is coming smooth and they’re inhaling and exhaling out as one, before Amber finally clears her throat and announces that it’s time for hot cocoa. Eliot hears that as a challenge, and they end up eating fancy s’mores and drinking cocoa on a blanket on the floor in the living room, more fun that sitting on all the stuff 50 men lugged in today. 

S’mores turns into the most vicious game of Settlers of Catan. For once, Parker isn’t at fault - sibling rivalry over sheep ports is no joke. Catan devolves into a slap fight over a particularly harsh robber placement and before they can declare a winner, Eliot calls it. Slap fight naturally turns into embarrassing sibling stories. Amber pulls out pictures of Alec to illustrate one story of a science project gone so hideously wrong Alec ended up in charge of 3 ferrets. Eliot laughs so hard he starts drooling a little.  _ Disgusting, it’s disgusting man, you’re laughing at me but you’re the embarrassing one,  _ which just has Eliot losing it again. 

Amber’s eyes are fighting to stay open, and Parker thinks that they’re heading towards the end of the evening, but when Parker tries to suggest bed, Amber’s eyes snap back open. “No, can we not?” she asks with big eyes. “I just, it’s hard to sleep alone right now.”  

“All right,” Eliot says, “but let’s make this a little more comfortable.” And then he convinces a complaining Alec to help him hoist one of the mattresses back down the stairs.  _ I’m just saying, we paid some very nice people to take them up and here we are undoing all their good work -- stop  _ pushing  _ me, I’m doing it! I’m doing it!  _ Parker can tell Amber finds it super charming, if her helplessly fond expression is any clue.

Parker puts herself in charge of reconstructing the blanket architecture on the mattress, and they get settled in.

“Bake-Off it is,” Alec announces, “start of the season right? We can get caught up.” Amber nods and gives Alec a little pat. He smiles back at her and says, “I got you.” She settles down into the blankets.

_ This year, on the Great British Bake-Off,  _ the announcer’s voice says, and Parker is out cold. 

Hours later, the doorbell goes off and everyone snaps awake. Amber is tensed and worried and Alec has his hand out to shield her.

“It’s ok,” Parker says, “I’ll get it. It’s my delivery.” 

She can hear Alec mumbling in the background about not knowing she got anything, but she ignores him and goes to answer the door.

Nate and Sophie are standing there smiling. Nate tilts his head and says, “Hello Parker. I heard you could use a little leverage.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this! This story was a really interesting difficult piece to write and I'd love to hear if there's anything that worked for you. And thank you to those who commented along the way, it kept me motivated to finish. <3 <3
> 
> While I was writing, I had so many convos with laulan that basically went:  
> me: on some level, Eliot is always waiting for one of them to ask him to kill  
> laulan: yeah, like waiting for the other shoe to drop  
> me: ...murder shoe  
> laulan: THE TERRIBLE MURDER SHOE
> 
> I leave you with this so you all know that this story was almost called Murder Shoe.
> 
> I also wrote the comedy version of this story! The Most Dangerous Game:[on ao3](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18884407)
> 
> You can reblog this story: [tumblr post](https://tmblr.co/ZD3Daw2hd4G_V)

**Author's Note:**

> In this story Alec's sister (OC) has just left an emotionally abusive and sexually coercive relationship. While helping her, Alec and Parker find out that Eliot had a similar relationship with Damien Moreau.
> 
> You can also reblog this story on tumblr! It is [here](http://routerdecomposer.tumblr.com/post/184265281439/underpinning-phnelt-leverage-archive-of-our)


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